I'm kinda just like... not as happy as I was when in Vancouver? I think? I'm really not sure. It's been a great experience going out and getting drunk and partying and stuff, but it's also just like, I feel
like I'm expected to want to go out and do stuff like that all the time and I kinda just... don't want to? It's been getting me down a lot recently, since it SEEMS like these are things I SHOULD want to
do, and things that I kind of crave to do. But at the end of the day, I'd be a lot happier just chilling and sharing cool stuff with closer friends than going out with people I've only known for 2 weeks. But
then like, there are so many people who make these crazy lifelong friends and relationships in 1 week and I'm like, how the fuck do you do that??? I want that, but I just do not understand people for the life
of me. Pardon me for the coarse language, but like I'm so good at surface level interactions, I can suck so much dick so quickly and get people to like me at the most basic surface level, but they don't really
like the real me, you know? Because I'm not that funny, I'm not that interesting, I don't like what other people like, I'm either extremely fucking milquetoast or too weird and I hate myself for it. I don't
like me a lot of the time. I wish I could be a different person, but I can't. I'm Lachlan Duncan, flaws and all. I'm trying to be someone I can respect more, but I don't know how. My brain feels broken and
I don't think I can permanently fix it, ever. Mentally I can pacify myself with work and games and stuff but I really think I need to see a therapist LOL. I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life but
my complete lack of social abilityto dig deeper is making that basically a surefire thing. Like, does anyone else get SCARED before every interaction if they don't have anything prepared to say beforehand?
Does anyone else feel like everyone around them is always watching and judging every little action they do? Probably to be honest. I'm just sick of feeling this way, I want to be proud of who I am, but it's
really hard when you think that literally everyone dislikes you unless they blatantly show you otherwise. Also doesn't help I'm constatly comparing myself to everyone else LOL, toxic thinking ftw!!!!
IDK definitely not posting this properly on the blog, I'll have some hidden thing somewhere that links
to this. This is probably a cry for help, idk.